Your dad may be able to tell your mother you will stay home depending in his views and your mothers a actual views on headship.
Not wanting to live with someone is not wrong, there are good reasons for marriage first.
You will get through this, remenber suicide us a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Find someone you can confide in, health providers, friends, workmates. Be aware that non professionals are limited in wisdom. For that matter professional s too
Good luck